Thursday, December 15, 2011

Enlighten me…no wait… please stop

There’s a growing trend amongst fellow Facebookers that must stop immediately before I have to block 98% of my daily News Feed.  Let’s get real… I spend about 15 minutes a day catching up on what others are doing via the Facebook feed just like the rest of you.  How am I supposed to do this if it’s littered with senseless inspirational quotes like “Only you know the truth, so listen to yourself”? 

I feel like Facebook news feed has become a proverbial cubical inspirational poster but instead of a cute kitten hanging off a cliff meowing “hang in there”, there’s a sensitive douche bag telling me to look within to find the cure for my unhappiness.  And, to that I tell him that’s what donuts are for.

Any idiot can Google a quote, copy and paste it to their status, and get an honest 3 to 5 comments and 7 likes.  And when you add fuel to this falsified intelligence fire by commenting, you’re making some college frat boy think that he’s the next Nietzsche…

If you want to enlighten the masses, go to a more egotistical social networking site… like Twitter.  Leave your mock intelligence at the Facebook door, it’s not welcome here. 

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Friday, Friday....Friday?

Rebecca Black, if you haven’t heard, has possibly blown up on the internet.  Literally.  But, not for the best of reasons.  Her song “Friday” has recently beat out “Baby” by the Biebs for the most disliked video on EVER.  I've seen the video, or at least the first 45 seconds.  I couldn't watch much more of it.  It’s bad.  I mean really, really bad.  It’s as bad as when someone says a "your mom" joke, and you don't know them that well and you say that my mom is dead trying to be funny, and they say mine too, and then you feel like an idiot because you know they aren't kidding and you just stand there trying to think of something nice to say to cover your tracks but you just end up feeling lonely and cold and dead inside.  Yeah, it’s almost the EXACT same feeling as you get when you watch this video.

Most people don’t know this, but the makers of the profound poop tank of a video are the ARK Music Factory which subsequently also came out with a song about Saturday called “Crush on You”.  I believe you will find the style strikingly similar to “Friday” and it’s prepubescent suckiness.

It makes me want to never procreate because the ARK Music Factory monsters will come after your children and try to make them sing about different days of the week.  Hopefully, by the time I do have children, they will have Monday uhh Monday, Tuesday why Tueday, Wednesday hump day Wednesday, Thursday almost Friday Thursday, and Sunday  oh Holy Sunday covered. 

I saw an article about how the writer of the “Friday” song finally came forward and apologized.  Really???…. You FINALLY came forward.…Before you just let her hangout all on her own and let her take the blame? This poor girl is getting death threats for your mistake.  Buck up, dude.  Own your tween beat abortion of a song, and never produce YouTube music ever again.

As if I had to say it… Rebecca Black is whack.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Suzie Bongwater?

I don’t like to get political because tempers always seem to flare, but per request I must write about this subject; marijuana.  More specifically….the legalization of marijuana…. Hmmm… where do I begin?

I guess I would like to start out by saying that I really don’t like potheads.  Most of them just really annoy me with their red beady eyes and their desire to philosophy about the meaning of cheese—the point is that they philosophy about random things that don’t make sense but do if you are high.  I mean all they do is sit around and talk about how awesome being high is and how clear everything is while high and it’s as if their world is better with weed...  On that note, there is a whole industry based around these types of people.  I mean Taco Bell branded a “fourth meal” that was directly targeted towards fat people that get late night munchies, and indirectly fixed at potheads who get late night munchies.  You aren’t fooling anyone Taco Bell.  It’s a win/win for you, isn’t it?

I guess I can say that I’m forgainst the legalization of marijuana.  Yes, it would be a billion dollar industry that would almost completely bring down our budget deficit if our government distributed it with a high tax, and it would also eliminate Mexican cartel smuggling it into our borders.  Fast food and Doritos sales will sky-rocket, hippies will rejoice, I will puke at the site and stench of all the unclean hairy hippies before me, and it would help clear out our prisons of petty criminals opening it up for the real bad guys.

On the other hand, there would be a bunch of dirty zombie potheads crowding my Taco Bell when I get my crunch wrap supreme snack on…

Hmmm…. I will just stick with for and against (forgainst), and let the powers that be decide…

Thursday, March 10, 2011

What's up, Brain?

Hey brain, what are you thinking lately?  Apparently some pretty out there kind of things, and I don’t really appreciate it besides the fact that it’s hilarious and undoubtedly disturbing.

Some people say that dreams do come true, but I hope not.  If that’s the case, I just gave birth to a beef baby and I’m cooking that sucker up.  But, seriously, I'm starving, and I really did have a dream that I gave birth to hamburger meat, and a plastic 3 inch tall baby where the doctor in my “dream” explained to me that it was the baby BEFORE the baby and tossed it all over his shoulder. 

I realize that you don’t have control over your subconscious, but come on brain.  Where did you pull that from?  I don’t have any kind memory bank that could pull anything even remotely close to that out of it.  Do I?  And, people have been explaining to me that when you are pregnant that you have dreams of giving birth to weird things.  I don’t know about you, but I hope that when that time comes that God doesn’t so choose to bring the message in the form of a one pound 80/20 organic grass fed baby, baby.  I feel like it would be more like a T-bone or filet mignon, you know… something with class.

Touché conduits of thoughts and power, touché. 

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Two and Half Brain Cells

Dear Charlie Sheen,

Yes, you are a “movie star”… well, sort of. You are well known at least for partying… I mean I wouldn’t count Two and Half Men, Hot Shots part Deux, or a mediocre extra role in Ferris Buellers Day Off as a means to notoriety or a theatrical award winning performance. However, theatrics is a definite part of your everyday life, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you say any other crack head with money would do exactly what you did; hire some hookers, and snort some blow? Except they would be thrown in jail if caught, and because of your “superiority” to the rest of society you do not qualify for such regards as a normal crack head might.

You sure do talk like a normal crack head… and I quote:

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." – Charlie Sheen via Twitter

I believe that Charlie the Unicorn makes more sense to me right now, and I’d rather hitch a ride to candy mountain sans my kidneys than join the Charlie Sheen “I’m my own drug” Show. You’re funny, but more in a sad unfiltered crack head kind of way which is also creepy… Just look at what Gary Busey has become.

Charlie, you aren’t the first “celebrity” to do this, not even recently. You have proved to be a better crack head than Lindsay Lohan; kind of like her demented older brother. So, congratulations...

Oh, and besides “winning”, try not losing…. Yourself in a whirlwind of hookers and drugs.


Jon Cryer

(co-star on Two and Half Men, and the nerd on Pretty in Pink)

See Resume

Friday, February 25, 2011

Yahoo! News...More like Yahoo! Lose.

Hello, I’m back.  I’m not dead, but I almost was.  Being extremely sick makes you rethink your life as you are lying on what in the moment seems to be your death bed, and then as soon as you get better you are at a loss for creativity and are just trying to get back to being you.  And, this is what has happened to me over the past few weeks.  I believe I’m back to normal, but we will see.

I’m a firm believer in many things, but putting my time into reading Yahoo! News has become a daily ritual for me.  Just ask my husband about all the random tidbits that I quote to him, and when he asks where I heard that from, it’s almost always… Yahoo! News.  They cover every genre and random tidbit I like to read about. However, recently there was an advice column about how a man can tell if a woman is interested in them. 

Relationship advice columns are notorious to me for being overwhelmingly cheesetastic, and ludicrous in their suggestions of how to woo the opposite sex.  Just take a gander…

#1- She touches herself up- 

"If she’s excusing herself to the restroom between courses, it’s doubtful she has a weak bladder. Nope, more likely she’s in there freshening up her makeup or making sure her hair is in place... all for you.”

Response:  First off, perhaps she really does have a bladder problem you insensitive jerk, or she’s going to the bathroom to “touch” herself up because she feels insecure that you are checking other women out right in front of her.  Or, maybe the cheap restaurant you chose to take her to gave her explosive diarrhea.  Yaya, ever thought about that one, and she has to get up to go to the bathroom so that she doesn't further embarrass herself.  I mean, she is already there with you which is embarrassing enough, right? What kind of crap are you feeding me, Yahoo?

#2  She asks about your family

“When a woman likes a guy, she doesn’t want to get to know just him on a date,” says Jillian Straus, author of Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single. “She wants to know about his family and friends — she’s looking for clues about what life with him would be like.”

Response:  Great!  So, not only do women need to sound desperate and needy enough to have to know every little detail on the first date, but that’s the only way a man will know that a woman really likes them by stalking their life.  How many dates are we talking about here that questions like this need to come up?  I mean 5th date, okay, 1st date, no…. we will not talk about what our children’s names will be on our first date.

#3 She’s touchy-feely

“If you find your date engaging in a little physical contact along with witty banter, chances are you’ve made a very good impression.

Response: Umm…. Duh.  Of course if someone touches you they like you, right?  I mean, I only touch somebody when I like them.  Now, if the side hug is what we are talking about that just means “friends”, but if we are talking full on bear hug, she likes you.  I can barely stand this advice.

Note to reader, if you can’t tell if someone likes you, point blank ask them.  What’s the worst that could happen besides you being completely heartbroken and possibly suicidal from them rejecting you?

Yahoo!.... more like Not You… for advice in the relationship category.  If I need updates on real news, I will come back to you…

Until then, booyah.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I love people.  Correction, I love some people. 

I work in a customer based industry, and unfortunately every now and again I have to listen to some dude go on and on about how awesome they are.  If I had a nickel for every person that was not awesome but thought they were that decided to tell me their life story at work, I’d have about 97 cents-I thought 97 would be funnier than 95; I'm not that horrible at math or common sense abilities, but I digress. 

Seriously, point and case:

This evening, a fairly peculiar man decided to tell me from point A to point B his entire life story.  I’m not exaggerating.  He told me about his childhood and all the way up to where he is now in his life.  Some of it was interesting, but the guy had a wicked cool mustache and for the life of me I couldn’t stay invested in what he was saying.  I’d zoom in and out of the conversation, and then just nod my head.  When I’d catch myself making weird “thinking about something other than what he is saying” faces, I’d try to catch the last part of what he said and respond.  I mean, I didn’t want to be rude.

I guess what I’m saying is that if I cared, I would listen. But honestly, if you want me to hear what you are saying, don’t have a ridiculous face or facial hair.  I’m not saying that I won’t listen if someone is ugly because ugly people usually have the best stories, but what I am saying is that you can help your ridiculous factor to some degree.  I look ridiculous on a weekly basis, so I know what I'm talking about.  I know when I can be taken seriously, and when to be dismissed as a kook.

I did get to throw in the fact that I used to have a crazy stalker, and I filed a police report on him that was about his age (I worded more towards that the guy was between 55-60 so that I wouldn’t offend his prestige & mustache glory)… At this point, I think he got the hint.

So moral of the story, if you have to convince random people you've never met you are awesome at life, you probably aren’t.  Besides, if he would have just said a few words and let the stache speak for itself, I wouldn't have to write this…

Duly noted.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

What a woman wants…. Acceptance?

Hi, there… woman here.  And, a very awkward one at that.  Let’s get a little serious this time….

My whole life I’ve never felt that I completely fit into a certain circle or particular type of personality caste.  It’s weird, and I’m weird –so I’ve been told over and over again, and I lived in Portland, OR and was told that while living there so that’s saying something.  I kind of like it, you know.  I mean I get to be myself most of the time while some are pretending to be someone that they are not.  It’s kind of… I don’t know… liberating and at times lonely because I don’t always have someone like myself to relate to-besides my husband.  I’ve never had a group of girlfriends that are all alike.  My friends are all different and unique and each has something different to offer, and I love that about them. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be in a group of women that are all mostly the same, and what it would be like to have the overall uniformity and relatedness it must bring.  However, even if you try to put yourself into a particular group, you don’t always feel accepted, right?

As I have observed, I believe that there are 3 different types of women…

#1 woman is independent.  She goes out of her way to do things on her own because she “doesn’t care” what society thinks about her.  Independent woman wants to sit around and reflect on why she doesn’t want a ton of friends and only few close ones, and makes fun of groups of women that all appear alike because deep down somewhere she wants to feel acceptance by other women; an acceptance that she has always wanted, but will never admit to. She’s insecure about herself, and therefore speaks out against other women and their looks. She will go out of her way to be different and unique so that she won’t ever fit anyone’s social norm.

#2 woman is social, not socialite.  She loves being around people, and her girlfriends, but doesn’t need them to feel like she fits into a certain mold that makes her feel good about herself.  A social woman can have just as much fun with one friend, or by herself, as she can with a group of people.  She feels acceptance in her small group of friends, but still wants more validity in her life from her friends at times when she is feeling down about herself.

#3 woman is a “mean girl” so-to-speak.  Her life revolves around perception, constantly.  How others perceive her, and who she socializes with, speaks to her personally.  She will manipulate in order to make herself look or feel better in order to save face at any cost.  Her acceptance lies in how others view her status.

I have felt that at different times in my life I have held all 3 positions; #1 when I didn’t want to be hurt anymore, #2 when I was feeling more confident in my body and my life, and #3 when I was feeling insecure about myself and longing for social acceptance. I feel that no matter which social/unsocial stigma fits you that there will always be times where you feel insecure and that you aren't truly accepted.

Or, maybe that's just my own personal struggle...


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What’s in a skank? That is the question.

A skank is made up of about… hmm… 3 distinct traits. 

One. They possess absolutely no tact in situations of high stress, and tend to lean towards personal attacks when cornered in any situation that makes them feel uncomfortable or confronted about a said lie instead of being mature and reasonable.


Me- “I don’t care about my ex-boyfriend. You can have him. Why are you making up lies about me still wanting him.”

Skank- “Umm, maybe because you’re fat and I’m awesome.”

Two. They insist on wearing clothes that accentuate their assets in ways that are distasteful, and that would make Tucker Max blush. Oh, and they tend to wear so much eye makeup that they really have to concentrate on blinking because their makeup weighs so much that it automatically closes their eyelids if they don’t fight against it.  You know what I'm talking about.  It's like when they look like there is a tarantula on their eyelids and it makes you think about spiders and then you start to lose concentration and you are trying to focus on what they are saying but you can't keep your eyes off their ridiculous makeup/tarantula face and then they ask you a question and you just say "yes" hoping that that answer makes it sound like you were listening when really you were just standing in awe of the horridness of the makeup that is before you.  

And finally, three. They add random people of FB all the time, mainly guys, trying to get attention. Also, they constantly post pictures of themselves in “sexy” instances trying to see how many “yr so hawt” comments they can get by random people that they don’t even know.

I feel that this is a growing trend, and I say that we should stand up against the tyrannical skanks that be and generally bring back the cynical/sarcastic woman in all of us.

You with me?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Dear Nickelback, Please Stop...

On a website that I just came across called, I know I’m slow at catching on to things sometimes, I found an amazing little tidbit. 

It reads:

                        “Dear Nickelback,

                                                That’s Enough

                                                                Sincerely, The World.”

I find this extremely hilarious; however, some people took a lot of offense to this.  One commenter even compared Nickelback and Hinder to the Beatles!!!  Yeah, I know… Crazy, right?  Below I have posted my response to this ludicrous claim…

I just barfed a little bit. Nickelback is nothing like the Beatles- Blasphemy. Nickelback is what I like to call transitional rock, as in; it's a transition between rock and country. The only people that like it are people that don't avidly listen to rock music or good music on that note (da dun chhh), and mostly listen to country. If you have any musical talent, or a brain, you can see that they are terrible. I liked them when I was an adolescent, and I believe that's saying enough.  My brain wasn’t developed enough for me to make any kind of informative decision about anything, much less music, and that’s why adolescents tend to enjoy the horrific sounds of Nickelback. It's equivalent to finding Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber's music enthralling. It just doesn't make sense for a grown adult that doesn't listen to country to like this mess. By the way, I joined a group on Facebook 5 years ago to abolish Nickleback, and donated 5 dollars. I still haven't seen a return on my investment; we should all do something about that. People that listen to Nickelback usually still rock out to AC/DC, and think that they are awesome. You are not sir, you look like a douche and you need a shower. I am not saying that I don’t enjoy AC/DC at times, but I would rather listen to something better, like the Beatles that were blasphemed earlier in this post by an unnamed individual.

Also, I would like to put other bands in this same transitional music category, but I think I’ve already said too much.   

Sweep the leg, Johnny.

The end.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Jersey Shore???

I watch the Jersey Shore, I must admit.  I know, I know, it can kill a few brain cells in the midst of entertaining the absolute balls out of you.  Prior to really getting into the show, I would make fun of people that watched it; not too much unlike the same instance with myself and American Idol but I digress.  Jersey Shore is racist, problematic, sexist, and about another eleven to seventeen adjectives and descriptors that either I can’t pronounce or choose not to use in my daily vocabulary.  With that said, what a great show!  I have to kind of dumb myself down a bit just to “beat that beat” back up to get in the right frame of mind to watch this show Thursday nights at 8/7c on MTV- ha, I'm addicted.  I’m literally excited when I see that it’s scheduled to record on my DVR.  I guess it’s the adult side of me that finds excitement in something so benign and normal as a TV show recording, and the childish side of me that is excited to watch the Jersey Shore in all of its' lack of sexual integrity slash drunken stupor cesspool glory.  I mean who am I?  I’m Suzie Strongwater; a strong individual empowered woman who has been sucked into Televisions proverbial Chlamydia of a show and that statement isn’t too far from the truth if you’ve ever watched it.  I mean just watch MVP “get it in” a few times, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.  They are all a bunch of "dirty little hamsters".

I just feel like I’m re-living a horrible time in my life when I was lonely and looking for love in all the wrong places while over indulging in alcohol and cheap laughs.  Don’t we all go through this stage? It’s like a window into a world of ridiculously tan, athletic, and mostly neurotic people.  It’s not that different from much other reality TV, but it’s got that guido edge that everyone else is missing.  I think that I watch it because it reminds me of how glad that I am to be married, and that I don’t have to look for a juice-head guerrilla anymore to keep me warm at night.  Isn’t that what all orange high haired guidette’s want?

In the words of a great friend that will remain unnamed that also is obsessed with this show, let’s call her Fretta, "It's sad that we talk about it so much, but you just can't help but watch it."

By the way, while we are on the subject, someone needs to punch Sammi in the face.

And, so goes the story…and the demise of the American way of life…

I want to grow up; I don't ever want to grow up...

I believe that for the majority of us, we have horror stories from our childhood.  I know I do.  Well, they aren't so much horrific as they are extremely embarrassing. For instance, when I was 11, my mother decided that I needed a new bra from Wal*Mart.  As their weren't any dressing rooms vacant, we made the aisle into a make shift dressing room and I just tried it on over my shirt.  I freaked out, and made more of a scene trying to make sure no one was looking.  If I had just done what my mom said and not moved so much, it probably wouldn't have been that big of a deal.  Looking back, it really didn't matter and it's funny now.  I mean I had no boobs, I still don't, so why in the heck did I care.  I wanted to be treated like an adult, and now that I am an "adult", I want to be taken care of like a child.

I think that we spend a few years as a child wanting to be an adult and treated like one, and then the rest of our lives trying to get over what happened to us in childhood and longing to be taken care of as child.   Geez, what the heck is wrong with us?  We are never fully satisfied, I suppose.  Hmm, that reminds me, I like Koolaid.... as in childhood brought me to the thought of Koolaid... Grape flavor to be exact.  Amazing!

My husband, as awesome as he is, decided to do the laundry yesterday and a whole sleuth of other errands.  And, how do I repay him??  I sleep in until noon, and then get up and go to work. I didn't even make him lunch.  I think that I need to get a handle on this adult thing, or I need to go to Wally World and pick out a new training bra to learn a valuable humility lesson.  Either way, I suck. Meow.