Saturday, January 4, 2014

Trending on Facebook

After you sift through the endless stolen quips on people's statuses trying to be ironic or funny or both, and the endless selfies (which btw I hate that word), and the poor grammar and yadda yadda yadda, someone has a new baby, I went on a vacation look at me, my life sucks, I have a vague status now please stay out of my business while simultaneously asking me what is really wrong...etc etc etc

Now, what has been different about Facebook lately is a lot more posts on parenting tips.  The only problem is that these tips are being circulated by either non parents or parents of one child.  There is one that I saw that is particularly ridiculous about forcing your child to sit still in church by putting them in a chair forever at home and making them sit there.  I'd like to see any one of these self righteous blowholes to take either one of my children and attempt to make them sit still, anywhere.  They are two years old, and I always get compliments every where we go on how well behaved they are.  Let me clear this up, I expect them to behave when we are in public.  I expect them to listen to me, but the last thing I expect is for them to ever sit still!  I lead by example for crying out loud, and expect them to act accordingly.  If they don't, they get time out or things taken away but I don't degrade them by forcibly making them do or not do anything and they are doing just fine. I don't want to meet a two year old that sits still because they are probably the most boring child in the world and have no imagination.  They are probably as brain dead as their parents, and actually, I do want to meet them so that I can take them home with me and let them act like a child like they are made to.  Not all children fit into the same bubble, and each parent does just what they can to ensure that their child is getting the best of everything they can.  I bet the person that wrote this guide on getting your kids to sit still, and the people circulating it, are cut from the same string.  It's a stinky string that likes to believe they are cut from above us, but their string stinks less than mine and mine cost half as much.  Knock off string, looks just like the real thing... okay, I'm getting off point.

Make your kids mind, teach them manners, teach them responsibility, teach them integrity, but more importantly, teach them it's okay to act like a child!

Go home excessively self invigorating uppity 'rents, you're drunk!


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Enlighten me…no wait… please stop

There’s a growing trend amongst fellow Facebookers that must stop immediately before I have to block 98% of my daily News Feed.  Let’s get real… I spend about 15 minutes a day catching up on what others are doing via the Facebook feed just like the rest of you.  How am I supposed to do this if it’s littered with senseless inspirational quotes like “Only you know the truth, so listen to yourself”? 

I feel like Facebook news feed has become a proverbial cubical inspirational poster but instead of a cute kitten hanging off a cliff meowing “hang in there”, there’s a sensitive douche bag telling me to look within to find the cure for my unhappiness.  And, to that I tell him that’s what donuts are for.

Any idiot can Google a quote, copy and paste it to their status, and get an honest 3 to 5 comments and 7 likes.  And when you add fuel to this falsified intelligence fire by commenting, you’re making some college frat boy think that he’s the next Nietzsche…

If you want to enlighten the masses, go to a more egotistical social networking site… like Twitter.  Leave your mock intelligence at the Facebook door, it’s not welcome here. 

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Friday, Friday....Friday?

Rebecca Black, if you haven’t heard, has possibly blown up on the internet.  Literally.  But, not for the best of reasons.  Her song “Friday” has recently beat out “Baby” by the Biebs for the most disliked video on EVER.  I've seen the video, or at least the first 45 seconds.  I couldn't watch much more of it.  It’s bad.  I mean really, really bad.  It’s as bad as when someone says a "your mom" joke, and you don't know them that well and you say that my mom is dead trying to be funny, and they say mine too, and then you feel like an idiot because you know they aren't kidding and you just stand there trying to think of something nice to say to cover your tracks but you just end up feeling lonely and cold and dead inside.  Yeah, it’s almost the EXACT same feeling as you get when you watch this video.

Most people don’t know this, but the makers of the profound poop tank of a video are the ARK Music Factory which subsequently also came out with a song about Saturday called “Crush on You”.  I believe you will find the style strikingly similar to “Friday” and it’s prepubescent suckiness.

It makes me want to never procreate because the ARK Music Factory monsters will come after your children and try to make them sing about different days of the week.  Hopefully, by the time I do have children, they will have Monday uhh Monday, Tuesday why Tueday, Wednesday hump day Wednesday, Thursday almost Friday Thursday, and Sunday  oh Holy Sunday covered. 

I saw an article about how the writer of the “Friday” song finally came forward and apologized.  Really???…. You FINALLY came forward.…Before you just let her hangout all on her own and let her take the blame? This poor girl is getting death threats for your mistake.  Buck up, dude.  Own your tween beat abortion of a song, and never produce YouTube music ever again.

As if I had to say it… Rebecca Black is whack.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Suzie Bongwater?

I don’t like to get political because tempers always seem to flare, but per request I must write about this subject; marijuana.  More specifically….the legalization of marijuana…. Hmmm… where do I begin?

I guess I would like to start out by saying that I really don’t like potheads.  Most of them just really annoy me with their red beady eyes and their desire to philosophy about the meaning of cheese—the point is that they philosophy about random things that don’t make sense but do if you are high.  I mean all they do is sit around and talk about how awesome being high is and how clear everything is while high and it’s as if their world is better with weed...  On that note, there is a whole industry based around these types of people.  I mean Taco Bell branded a “fourth meal” that was directly targeted towards fat people that get late night munchies, and indirectly fixed at potheads who get late night munchies.  You aren’t fooling anyone Taco Bell.  It’s a win/win for you, isn’t it?

I guess I can say that I’m forgainst the legalization of marijuana.  Yes, it would be a billion dollar industry that would almost completely bring down our budget deficit if our government distributed it with a high tax, and it would also eliminate Mexican cartel smuggling it into our borders.  Fast food and Doritos sales will sky-rocket, hippies will rejoice, I will puke at the site and stench of all the unclean hairy hippies before me, and it would help clear out our prisons of petty criminals opening it up for the real bad guys.

On the other hand, there would be a bunch of dirty zombie potheads crowding my Taco Bell when I get my crunch wrap supreme snack on…

Hmmm…. I will just stick with for and against (forgainst), and let the powers that be decide…

Thursday, March 10, 2011

What's up, Brain?

Hey brain, what are you thinking lately?  Apparently some pretty out there kind of things, and I don’t really appreciate it besides the fact that it’s hilarious and undoubtedly disturbing.

Some people say that dreams do come true, but I hope not.  If that’s the case, I just gave birth to a beef baby and I’m cooking that sucker up.  But, seriously, I'm starving, and I really did have a dream that I gave birth to hamburger meat, and a plastic 3 inch tall baby where the doctor in my “dream” explained to me that it was the baby BEFORE the baby and tossed it all over his shoulder. 

I realize that you don’t have control over your subconscious, but come on brain.  Where did you pull that from?  I don’t have any kind memory bank that could pull anything even remotely close to that out of it.  Do I?  And, people have been explaining to me that when you are pregnant that you have dreams of giving birth to weird things.  I don’t know about you, but I hope that when that time comes that God doesn’t so choose to bring the message in the form of a one pound 80/20 organic grass fed baby, baby.  I feel like it would be more like a T-bone or filet mignon, you know… something with class.

Touché conduits of thoughts and power, touché. 

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Two and Half Brain Cells

Dear Charlie Sheen,

Yes, you are a “movie star”… well, sort of. You are well known at least for partying… I mean I wouldn’t count Two and Half Men, Hot Shots part Deux, or a mediocre extra role in Ferris Buellers Day Off as a means to notoriety or a theatrical award winning performance. However, theatrics is a definite part of your everyday life, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you say any other crack head with money would do exactly what you did; hire some hookers, and snort some blow? Except they would be thrown in jail if caught, and because of your “superiority” to the rest of society you do not qualify for such regards as a normal crack head might.

You sure do talk like a normal crack head… and I quote:

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." – Charlie Sheen via Twitter

I believe that Charlie the Unicorn makes more sense to me right now, and I’d rather hitch a ride to candy mountain sans my kidneys than join the Charlie Sheen “I’m my own drug” Show. You’re funny, but more in a sad unfiltered crack head kind of way which is also creepy… Just look at what Gary Busey has become.

Charlie, you aren’t the first “celebrity” to do this, not even recently. You have proved to be a better crack head than Lindsay Lohan; kind of like her demented older brother. So, congratulations...

Oh, and besides “winning”, try not losing…. Yourself in a whirlwind of hookers and drugs.


Jon Cryer

(co-star on Two and Half Men, and the nerd on Pretty in Pink)

See Resume

Friday, February 25, 2011

Yahoo! News...More like Yahoo! Lose.

Hello, I’m back.  I’m not dead, but I almost was.  Being extremely sick makes you rethink your life as you are lying on what in the moment seems to be your death bed, and then as soon as you get better you are at a loss for creativity and are just trying to get back to being you.  And, this is what has happened to me over the past few weeks.  I believe I’m back to normal, but we will see.

I’m a firm believer in many things, but putting my time into reading Yahoo! News has become a daily ritual for me.  Just ask my husband about all the random tidbits that I quote to him, and when he asks where I heard that from, it’s almost always… Yahoo! News.  They cover every genre and random tidbit I like to read about. However, recently there was an advice column about how a man can tell if a woman is interested in them. 

Relationship advice columns are notorious to me for being overwhelmingly cheesetastic, and ludicrous in their suggestions of how to woo the opposite sex.  Just take a gander…

#1- She touches herself up- 

"If she’s excusing herself to the restroom between courses, it’s doubtful she has a weak bladder. Nope, more likely she’s in there freshening up her makeup or making sure her hair is in place... all for you.”

Response:  First off, perhaps she really does have a bladder problem you insensitive jerk, or she’s going to the bathroom to “touch” herself up because she feels insecure that you are checking other women out right in front of her.  Or, maybe the cheap restaurant you chose to take her to gave her explosive diarrhea.  Yaya, ever thought about that one, and she has to get up to go to the bathroom so that she doesn't further embarrass herself.  I mean, she is already there with you which is embarrassing enough, right? What kind of crap are you feeding me, Yahoo?

#2  She asks about your family

“When a woman likes a guy, she doesn’t want to get to know just him on a date,” says Jillian Straus, author of Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single. “She wants to know about his family and friends — she’s looking for clues about what life with him would be like.”

Response:  Great!  So, not only do women need to sound desperate and needy enough to have to know every little detail on the first date, but that’s the only way a man will know that a woman really likes them by stalking their life.  How many dates are we talking about here that questions like this need to come up?  I mean 5th date, okay, 1st date, no…. we will not talk about what our children’s names will be on our first date.

#3 She’s touchy-feely

“If you find your date engaging in a little physical contact along with witty banter, chances are you’ve made a very good impression.

Response: Umm…. Duh.  Of course if someone touches you they like you, right?  I mean, I only touch somebody when I like them.  Now, if the side hug is what we are talking about that just means “friends”, but if we are talking full on bear hug, she likes you.  I can barely stand this advice.

Note to reader, if you can’t tell if someone likes you, point blank ask them.  What’s the worst that could happen besides you being completely heartbroken and possibly suicidal from them rejecting you?

Yahoo!.... more like Not You… for advice in the relationship category.  If I need updates on real news, I will come back to you…

Until then, booyah.