Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What’s in a skank? That is the question.

A skank is made up of about… hmm… 3 distinct traits. 

One. They possess absolutely no tact in situations of high stress, and tend to lean towards personal attacks when cornered in any situation that makes them feel uncomfortable or confronted about a said lie instead of being mature and reasonable.


Me- “I don’t care about my ex-boyfriend. You can have him. Why are you making up lies about me still wanting him.”

Skank- “Umm, maybe because you’re fat and I’m awesome.”

Two. They insist on wearing clothes that accentuate their assets in ways that are distasteful, and that would make Tucker Max blush. Oh, and they tend to wear so much eye makeup that they really have to concentrate on blinking because their makeup weighs so much that it automatically closes their eyelids if they don’t fight against it.  You know what I'm talking about.  It's like when they look like there is a tarantula on their eyelids and it makes you think about spiders and then you start to lose concentration and you are trying to focus on what they are saying but you can't keep your eyes off their ridiculous makeup/tarantula face and then they ask you a question and you just say "yes" hoping that that answer makes it sound like you were listening when really you were just standing in awe of the horridness of the makeup that is before you.  

And finally, three. They add random people of FB all the time, mainly guys, trying to get attention. Also, they constantly post pictures of themselves in “sexy” instances trying to see how many “yr so hawt” comments they can get by random people that they don’t even know.

I feel that this is a growing trend, and I say that we should stand up against the tyrannical skanks that be and generally bring back the cynical/sarcastic woman in all of us.

You with me?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Dear Nickelback, Please Stop...

On a website that I just came across called, I know I’m slow at catching on to things sometimes, I found an amazing little tidbit. 

It reads:

                        “Dear Nickelback,

                                                That’s Enough

                                                                Sincerely, The World.”

I find this extremely hilarious; however, some people took a lot of offense to this.  One commenter even compared Nickelback and Hinder to the Beatles!!!  Yeah, I know… Crazy, right?  Below I have posted my response to this ludicrous claim…

I just barfed a little bit. Nickelback is nothing like the Beatles- Blasphemy. Nickelback is what I like to call transitional rock, as in; it's a transition between rock and country. The only people that like it are people that don't avidly listen to rock music or good music on that note (da dun chhh), and mostly listen to country. If you have any musical talent, or a brain, you can see that they are terrible. I liked them when I was an adolescent, and I believe that's saying enough.  My brain wasn’t developed enough for me to make any kind of informative decision about anything, much less music, and that’s why adolescents tend to enjoy the horrific sounds of Nickelback. It's equivalent to finding Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber's music enthralling. It just doesn't make sense for a grown adult that doesn't listen to country to like this mess. By the way, I joined a group on Facebook 5 years ago to abolish Nickleback, and donated 5 dollars. I still haven't seen a return on my investment; we should all do something about that. People that listen to Nickelback usually still rock out to AC/DC, and think that they are awesome. You are not sir, you look like a douche and you need a shower. I am not saying that I don’t enjoy AC/DC at times, but I would rather listen to something better, like the Beatles that were blasphemed earlier in this post by an unnamed individual.

Also, I would like to put other bands in this same transitional music category, but I think I’ve already said too much.   

Sweep the leg, Johnny.

The end.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Jersey Shore???

I watch the Jersey Shore, I must admit.  I know, I know, it can kill a few brain cells in the midst of entertaining the absolute balls out of you.  Prior to really getting into the show, I would make fun of people that watched it; not too much unlike the same instance with myself and American Idol but I digress.  Jersey Shore is racist, problematic, sexist, and about another eleven to seventeen adjectives and descriptors that either I can’t pronounce or choose not to use in my daily vocabulary.  With that said, what a great show!  I have to kind of dumb myself down a bit just to “beat that beat” back up to get in the right frame of mind to watch this show Thursday nights at 8/7c on MTV- ha, I'm addicted.  I’m literally excited when I see that it’s scheduled to record on my DVR.  I guess it’s the adult side of me that finds excitement in something so benign and normal as a TV show recording, and the childish side of me that is excited to watch the Jersey Shore in all of its' lack of sexual integrity slash drunken stupor cesspool glory.  I mean who am I?  I’m Suzie Strongwater; a strong individual empowered woman who has been sucked into Televisions proverbial Chlamydia of a show and that statement isn’t too far from the truth if you’ve ever watched it.  I mean just watch MVP “get it in” a few times, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.  They are all a bunch of "dirty little hamsters".

I just feel like I’m re-living a horrible time in my life when I was lonely and looking for love in all the wrong places while over indulging in alcohol and cheap laughs.  Don’t we all go through this stage? It’s like a window into a world of ridiculously tan, athletic, and mostly neurotic people.  It’s not that different from much other reality TV, but it’s got that guido edge that everyone else is missing.  I think that I watch it because it reminds me of how glad that I am to be married, and that I don’t have to look for a juice-head guerrilla anymore to keep me warm at night.  Isn’t that what all orange high haired guidette’s want?

In the words of a great friend that will remain unnamed that also is obsessed with this show, let’s call her Fretta, "It's sad that we talk about it so much, but you just can't help but watch it."

By the way, while we are on the subject, someone needs to punch Sammi in the face.

And, so goes the story…and the demise of the American way of life…

I want to grow up; I don't ever want to grow up...

I believe that for the majority of us, we have horror stories from our childhood.  I know I do.  Well, they aren't so much horrific as they are extremely embarrassing. For instance, when I was 11, my mother decided that I needed a new bra from Wal*Mart.  As their weren't any dressing rooms vacant, we made the aisle into a make shift dressing room and I just tried it on over my shirt.  I freaked out, and made more of a scene trying to make sure no one was looking.  If I had just done what my mom said and not moved so much, it probably wouldn't have been that big of a deal.  Looking back, it really didn't matter and it's funny now.  I mean I had no boobs, I still don't, so why in the heck did I care.  I wanted to be treated like an adult, and now that I am an "adult", I want to be taken care of like a child.

I think that we spend a few years as a child wanting to be an adult and treated like one, and then the rest of our lives trying to get over what happened to us in childhood and longing to be taken care of as child.   Geez, what the heck is wrong with us?  We are never fully satisfied, I suppose.  Hmm, that reminds me, I like Koolaid.... as in childhood brought me to the thought of Koolaid... Grape flavor to be exact.  Amazing!

My husband, as awesome as he is, decided to do the laundry yesterday and a whole sleuth of other errands.  And, how do I repay him??  I sleep in until noon, and then get up and go to work. I didn't even make him lunch.  I think that I need to get a handle on this adult thing, or I need to go to Wally World and pick out a new training bra to learn a valuable humility lesson.  Either way, I suck. Meow.