Friday, February 25, 2011

Yahoo! News...More like Yahoo! Lose.

Hello, I’m back.  I’m not dead, but I almost was.  Being extremely sick makes you rethink your life as you are lying on what in the moment seems to be your death bed, and then as soon as you get better you are at a loss for creativity and are just trying to get back to being you.  And, this is what has happened to me over the past few weeks.  I believe I’m back to normal, but we will see.

I’m a firm believer in many things, but putting my time into reading Yahoo! News has become a daily ritual for me.  Just ask my husband about all the random tidbits that I quote to him, and when he asks where I heard that from, it’s almost always… Yahoo! News.  They cover every genre and random tidbit I like to read about. However, recently there was an advice column about how a man can tell if a woman is interested in them. 

Relationship advice columns are notorious to me for being overwhelmingly cheesetastic, and ludicrous in their suggestions of how to woo the opposite sex.  Just take a gander…

#1- She touches herself up- 

"If she’s excusing herself to the restroom between courses, it’s doubtful she has a weak bladder. Nope, more likely she’s in there freshening up her makeup or making sure her hair is in place... all for you.”

Response:  First off, perhaps she really does have a bladder problem you insensitive jerk, or she’s going to the bathroom to “touch” herself up because she feels insecure that you are checking other women out right in front of her.  Or, maybe the cheap restaurant you chose to take her to gave her explosive diarrhea.  Yaya, ever thought about that one, and she has to get up to go to the bathroom so that she doesn't further embarrass herself.  I mean, she is already there with you which is embarrassing enough, right? What kind of crap are you feeding me, Yahoo?

#2  She asks about your family

“When a woman likes a guy, she doesn’t want to get to know just him on a date,” says Jillian Straus, author of Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single. “She wants to know about his family and friends — she’s looking for clues about what life with him would be like.”

Response:  Great!  So, not only do women need to sound desperate and needy enough to have to know every little detail on the first date, but that’s the only way a man will know that a woman really likes them by stalking their life.  How many dates are we talking about here that questions like this need to come up?  I mean 5th date, okay, 1st date, no…. we will not talk about what our children’s names will be on our first date.

#3 She’s touchy-feely

“If you find your date engaging in a little physical contact along with witty banter, chances are you’ve made a very good impression.

Response: Umm…. Duh.  Of course if someone touches you they like you, right?  I mean, I only touch somebody when I like them.  Now, if the side hug is what we are talking about that just means “friends”, but if we are talking full on bear hug, she likes you.  I can barely stand this advice.

Note to reader, if you can’t tell if someone likes you, point blank ask them.  What’s the worst that could happen besides you being completely heartbroken and possibly suicidal from them rejecting you?

Yahoo!.... more like Not You… for advice in the relationship category.  If I need updates on real news, I will come back to you…

Until then, booyah.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I love people.  Correction, I love some people. 

I work in a customer based industry, and unfortunately every now and again I have to listen to some dude go on and on about how awesome they are.  If I had a nickel for every person that was not awesome but thought they were that decided to tell me their life story at work, I’d have about 97 cents-I thought 97 would be funnier than 95; I'm not that horrible at math or common sense abilities, but I digress. 

Seriously, point and case:

This evening, a fairly peculiar man decided to tell me from point A to point B his entire life story.  I’m not exaggerating.  He told me about his childhood and all the way up to where he is now in his life.  Some of it was interesting, but the guy had a wicked cool mustache and for the life of me I couldn’t stay invested in what he was saying.  I’d zoom in and out of the conversation, and then just nod my head.  When I’d catch myself making weird “thinking about something other than what he is saying” faces, I’d try to catch the last part of what he said and respond.  I mean, I didn’t want to be rude.

I guess what I’m saying is that if I cared, I would listen. But honestly, if you want me to hear what you are saying, don’t have a ridiculous face or facial hair.  I’m not saying that I won’t listen if someone is ugly because ugly people usually have the best stories, but what I am saying is that you can help your ridiculous factor to some degree.  I look ridiculous on a weekly basis, so I know what I'm talking about.  I know when I can be taken seriously, and when to be dismissed as a kook.

I did get to throw in the fact that I used to have a crazy stalker, and I filed a police report on him that was about his age (I worded more towards that the guy was between 55-60 so that I wouldn’t offend his prestige & mustache glory)… At this point, I think he got the hint.

So moral of the story, if you have to convince random people you've never met you are awesome at life, you probably aren’t.  Besides, if he would have just said a few words and let the stache speak for itself, I wouldn't have to write this…

Duly noted.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

What a woman wants…. Acceptance?

Hi, there… woman here.  And, a very awkward one at that.  Let’s get a little serious this time….

My whole life I’ve never felt that I completely fit into a certain circle or particular type of personality caste.  It’s weird, and I’m weird –so I’ve been told over and over again, and I lived in Portland, OR and was told that while living there so that’s saying something.  I kind of like it, you know.  I mean I get to be myself most of the time while some are pretending to be someone that they are not.  It’s kind of… I don’t know… liberating and at times lonely because I don’t always have someone like myself to relate to-besides my husband.  I’ve never had a group of girlfriends that are all alike.  My friends are all different and unique and each has something different to offer, and I love that about them. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be in a group of women that are all mostly the same, and what it would be like to have the overall uniformity and relatedness it must bring.  However, even if you try to put yourself into a particular group, you don’t always feel accepted, right?

As I have observed, I believe that there are 3 different types of women…

#1 woman is independent.  She goes out of her way to do things on her own because she “doesn’t care” what society thinks about her.  Independent woman wants to sit around and reflect on why she doesn’t want a ton of friends and only few close ones, and makes fun of groups of women that all appear alike because deep down somewhere she wants to feel acceptance by other women; an acceptance that she has always wanted, but will never admit to. She’s insecure about herself, and therefore speaks out against other women and their looks. She will go out of her way to be different and unique so that she won’t ever fit anyone’s social norm.

#2 woman is social, not socialite.  She loves being around people, and her girlfriends, but doesn’t need them to feel like she fits into a certain mold that makes her feel good about herself.  A social woman can have just as much fun with one friend, or by herself, as she can with a group of people.  She feels acceptance in her small group of friends, but still wants more validity in her life from her friends at times when she is feeling down about herself.

#3 woman is a “mean girl” so-to-speak.  Her life revolves around perception, constantly.  How others perceive her, and who she socializes with, speaks to her personally.  She will manipulate in order to make herself look or feel better in order to save face at any cost.  Her acceptance lies in how others view her status.

I have felt that at different times in my life I have held all 3 positions; #1 when I didn’t want to be hurt anymore, #2 when I was feeling more confident in my body and my life, and #3 when I was feeling insecure about myself and longing for social acceptance. I feel that no matter which social/unsocial stigma fits you that there will always be times where you feel insecure and that you aren't truly accepted.

Or, maybe that's just my own personal struggle...