Thursday, March 31, 2011

Friday, Friday....Friday?

Rebecca Black, if you haven’t heard, has possibly blown up on the internet.  Literally.  But, not for the best of reasons.  Her song “Friday” has recently beat out “Baby” by the Biebs for the most disliked video on EVER.  I've seen the video, or at least the first 45 seconds.  I couldn't watch much more of it.  It’s bad.  I mean really, really bad.  It’s as bad as when someone says a "your mom" joke, and you don't know them that well and you say that my mom is dead trying to be funny, and they say mine too, and then you feel like an idiot because you know they aren't kidding and you just stand there trying to think of something nice to say to cover your tracks but you just end up feeling lonely and cold and dead inside.  Yeah, it’s almost the EXACT same feeling as you get when you watch this video.

Most people don’t know this, but the makers of the profound poop tank of a video are the ARK Music Factory which subsequently also came out with a song about Saturday called “Crush on You”.  I believe you will find the style strikingly similar to “Friday” and it’s prepubescent suckiness.

It makes me want to never procreate because the ARK Music Factory monsters will come after your children and try to make them sing about different days of the week.  Hopefully, by the time I do have children, they will have Monday uhh Monday, Tuesday why Tueday, Wednesday hump day Wednesday, Thursday almost Friday Thursday, and Sunday  oh Holy Sunday covered. 

I saw an article about how the writer of the “Friday” song finally came forward and apologized.  Really???…. You FINALLY came forward.…Before you just let her hangout all on her own and let her take the blame? This poor girl is getting death threats for your mistake.  Buck up, dude.  Own your tween beat abortion of a song, and never produce YouTube music ever again.

As if I had to say it… Rebecca Black is whack.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Suzie Bongwater?

I don’t like to get political because tempers always seem to flare, but per request I must write about this subject; marijuana.  More specifically….the legalization of marijuana…. Hmmm… where do I begin?

I guess I would like to start out by saying that I really don’t like potheads.  Most of them just really annoy me with their red beady eyes and their desire to philosophy about the meaning of cheese—the point is that they philosophy about random things that don’t make sense but do if you are high.  I mean all they do is sit around and talk about how awesome being high is and how clear everything is while high and it’s as if their world is better with weed...  On that note, there is a whole industry based around these types of people.  I mean Taco Bell branded a “fourth meal” that was directly targeted towards fat people that get late night munchies, and indirectly fixed at potheads who get late night munchies.  You aren’t fooling anyone Taco Bell.  It’s a win/win for you, isn’t it?

I guess I can say that I’m forgainst the legalization of marijuana.  Yes, it would be a billion dollar industry that would almost completely bring down our budget deficit if our government distributed it with a high tax, and it would also eliminate Mexican cartel smuggling it into our borders.  Fast food and Doritos sales will sky-rocket, hippies will rejoice, I will puke at the site and stench of all the unclean hairy hippies before me, and it would help clear out our prisons of petty criminals opening it up for the real bad guys.

On the other hand, there would be a bunch of dirty zombie potheads crowding my Taco Bell when I get my crunch wrap supreme snack on…

Hmmm…. I will just stick with for and against (forgainst), and let the powers that be decide…

Thursday, March 10, 2011

What's up, Brain?

Hey brain, what are you thinking lately?  Apparently some pretty out there kind of things, and I don’t really appreciate it besides the fact that it’s hilarious and undoubtedly disturbing.

Some people say that dreams do come true, but I hope not.  If that’s the case, I just gave birth to a beef baby and I’m cooking that sucker up.  But, seriously, I'm starving, and I really did have a dream that I gave birth to hamburger meat, and a plastic 3 inch tall baby where the doctor in my “dream” explained to me that it was the baby BEFORE the baby and tossed it all over his shoulder. 

I realize that you don’t have control over your subconscious, but come on brain.  Where did you pull that from?  I don’t have any kind memory bank that could pull anything even remotely close to that out of it.  Do I?  And, people have been explaining to me that when you are pregnant that you have dreams of giving birth to weird things.  I don’t know about you, but I hope that when that time comes that God doesn’t so choose to bring the message in the form of a one pound 80/20 organic grass fed baby, baby.  I feel like it would be more like a T-bone or filet mignon, you know… something with class.

Touché conduits of thoughts and power, touché. 

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Two and Half Brain Cells

Dear Charlie Sheen,

Yes, you are a “movie star”… well, sort of. You are well known at least for partying… I mean I wouldn’t count Two and Half Men, Hot Shots part Deux, or a mediocre extra role in Ferris Buellers Day Off as a means to notoriety or a theatrical award winning performance. However, theatrics is a definite part of your everyday life, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you say any other crack head with money would do exactly what you did; hire some hookers, and snort some blow? Except they would be thrown in jail if caught, and because of your “superiority” to the rest of society you do not qualify for such regards as a normal crack head might.

You sure do talk like a normal crack head… and I quote:

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." – Charlie Sheen via Twitter

I believe that Charlie the Unicorn makes more sense to me right now, and I’d rather hitch a ride to candy mountain sans my kidneys than join the Charlie Sheen “I’m my own drug” Show. You’re funny, but more in a sad unfiltered crack head kind of way which is also creepy… Just look at what Gary Busey has become.

Charlie, you aren’t the first “celebrity” to do this, not even recently. You have proved to be a better crack head than Lindsay Lohan; kind of like her demented older brother. So, congratulations...

Oh, and besides “winning”, try not losing…. Yourself in a whirlwind of hookers and drugs.


Jon Cryer

(co-star on Two and Half Men, and the nerd on Pretty in Pink)

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